In an earlier article on the control of senses we emphasized how one should practice detachment and not be swayed by the senses and the sensory pleasures. One might wonder if achieving such a state of detachment will make us all uncaring, indifferent, robots! On the contrary, what Gita advises us to do is detach ourselves from our own selfish desires, actions, and attachments and divert our compassion towards everyone, every living creature and non-living object. In this article, we look at the notion of compassion; how compassion is different to pity, sympathy, and empathy; and how to develop that compassion. As Daniel Coleman says
“True compassion is not only feeling another’s pain but also being moved to help relieve it.”
Yoga of Devotion - Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 12, Verses 13-14
अद्वेष्टा सर्वभूतानां मैत्र: करुण एव च | निर्ममो निरहङ्कार: समदु:खसुख: क्षमी || 13|| सन्तुष्ट: सततं योगी यतात्मा दृढनिश्चय: | मय्यर्पितमनोबुद्धिर्यो मद्भक्त: स मे प्रिय: || 14||
adveṣhṭā sarva-bhūtānāṁ maitraḥ karuṇa eva cha nirmamo nirahankāraḥ sama-duḥkha-sukhaḥ kṣhamī
santuṣhṭaḥ satataṁ yogī yatātmā dṛiḍha-niśhchayaḥ mayy arpita-mano-buddhir yo mad-bhaktaḥ sa me priyaḥ
Those devotees are very dear to Me who are free from malice toward all living beings, who are friendly, and compassionate. They are free from attachment to possessions and egotism, equipoised in happiness and distress, and ever-forgiving. They are ever-contented, steadily united with Me in devotion, self-controlled, firm in conviction, and dedicated to Me in mind and intellect.
Story of Asanga and the dog
Arya Asanga, a buddhist monk, was inspired by the qualities and teachings of Maitreya Buddha. He spends three years meditating on Maitreya. After three years of focused meditation and unable to attain liberation he decides to quit. While walking he sees a bird flying towards its nest between rocks. He sees that the birds wings have made deep marks on the rock. He thinks to himself that if a bird can be so persistent to get to its nest he needs to do the same to gain liberation.
He goes back and meditates for another three years. Once again he doesn’t see any change and while walking back to the village he stops near a small waterfall. He sees holes in the rock and thinks that if a consistent dripping of water can create a hole in a rock then constant meditation must have an impact on his mind. He goes back and meditates for another three years. Once again after three years of intense meditation he still see no changes. He gets dejected and on his way back to the village he sees a man cutting a rock with a thread. He once again changes his mind and goes back into meditation.
After three years there is still no progress. While he is walking back he sees a wounded dog limping and barking at everyone. He notices that the wound is filled with maggots. Asanga is filled with compassion for the dog and he does not want to hurt the maggots as well. So he puts out his tongue and licks the maggots. The dog is transformed into Maitreya Buddha. Asanga is delighted to see Maitreya. Maitreya explains to Asanga that he was with Asanga all along, but Asanga was unable to see him as his mind was clouded. When he shows compassion to the dog and the maggots his mind is devoid of any impurity and he is able to see Maitreya.
This story illustrates the power of compassion and also how a yogi or monk, purified by constant and intense meditation is not someone who is totally detached and devoid of feelings, but is exactly the opposite - full of love and compassion towards all of humanity.
How to develop compassion?
Before we discuss how to develop compassion, let’s start by understanding what compassion is. Compassion is closely related to empathy, which is closely related to sympathy, which in turn is related to pity. The difference between these emotions is your level of engagement. When you feel pity towards someone you acknowledge their suffering. When you really care about their suffering it becomes sympathy. When your level of engagement moves from caring to actually feeling their suffering you show empathy to them. Finally, when this feeling translates into action where you are doing some action to relieve their suffering you are compassionate. The following figure captures this continuum.
Figure 1: From pity to compassion
In his TED talk on “Why aren’t we more compassionate?” Daniel Coleman argues that we are focused on ourselves for most of the time and not on others. As a result we do not notice others and their sufferings. According to him, noticing others is the first prerequisite for compassion. This can then develop into sympathy, empathy, and compassion.
It is easiest to start the practice of compassion closer to yourself - your spouse, your children, your family, friends, and colleagues. Active listening and focus of attention to your spouse is an essential step towards empathy and then compassion. This should be followed with validation, sharing, acting and practicing vulnerability with your spouse.
Figure 2: Building empathy in couples
These same steps can be adapted to show compassion with others. Children can be taught empathy through stories, pictures, plays, and volunteer work. Embracing diversity and being a role model on how you treat others can be a powerful influence on children. The following figure highlights some key strategies for teaching children empathy.
Figure 3: Key strategies to teach children empathy
Developing compassion is important not just in your personal or social life, but is also becoming an essential component of professional life. In a recent article on compassionate leadership the authors argue that compassion is necessary, but not sufficient. They argue that corporate leaders should not allow empathy to be a barrier to action in what they call caring avoidance. Instead we should adopt wise compassion in getting tough things done in a human way. For example, if an employee doesn’t have the right skills and is struggling with the work assigned to him or her, it is not wise to empathize with them, and not take any action. Instead, wise compassion would require you to let them know that they are not performing as expected and actively help them re-skill or up-skill their capabilities. The following graphic illustrates the four quadrants of action/inaction based on the dimensions of compassion and wisdom.
Figure 4: The Wise Compassion Leadership Matrix
While we don’t want to be self-centered, we also should not go to the other extreme and blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong or feel guilty for all the things that we have not been able to do. In his book on self-compassion, Kristin Neff describes it as being composed of three main elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. He goes on to define the self-compassion scale that consists of 26 attributes grouped into six categories. The following graphic illustrates the key concept of self-compassion.
Figure 5: Self compassion
As Buddha once said
“if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete”.
Developing self-compassion, compassion towards others and expanding our love towards everyone is a critical waypoint in the Journey of the Seeker, towards purification of the mind and eventual liberation or ‘moksha’.
Key Takeaways
Pity, Sympathy, Empathy, Compassion
Pity – acknowledge suffering
Sympathy – care about suffering
Empathy – feel your suffering
Compassion – relieve your suffering
Developing Compassion
Couples
Children
Companies
Self-compassion
Exercise for the week
Keep a ‘gratitude diary’ for at least a week and discuss with your spouse or friend at the end of the week
Commit to performing at least one act of compassion this coming week
Additional Links
Key strategies to teach children empathy. Biglife journal.
Compassionate leadership is necessary, but not sufficient. Harvard Business Review, December 2020.
Compassion Meditation. Greater Good in Action. Science based practices for a meaningful life.
Altered Traits: The Deep and Wide Paths of Meditation by Daniel Coleman and Richard Davidson.