In this article we discuss how to cope with grief. Coping with death of a loved one or the loss of something important to us (e.g., loss of a job) is something we all face, but rarely discuss. This anonymous quote best illustrates this aspect:
“Life asked death, “why do people love me?, but hate you?”. Death responded “because you are a beautiful lie, and I’m a painful truth”.”
Coping with Grief - Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 2, Verse 27
जातस्य हि ध्रुवो मृत्युर्ध्रुवं जन्म मृतस्य च | तस्मादपरिहार्येऽर्थे न त्वं शोचितुमर्हसि || 27||
jātasya hi dhruvo mṛityur dhruvaṁ janma mṛitasya cha tasmād aparihārye ’rthe na tvaṁ śhochitum arhasi
Death is certain for one who has been born, and rebirth is inevitable for one who has died. Therefore, you should not lament over the inevitable (2.27)
This verse urges us to consider who is grieving for whom? The person who is grieving is mortal - death is inevitable for the one who is grieving. The one who is being grieved for will be reborn. Why grieve over the inevitable is the essence of this verse. Also ‘death’ is only for the ‘body’ of the deceased - the life force behind the body - the Self or consciousness principle is never born and has no death. So there is nothing to grieve for.
Story of death in Yaksha Prashna
The ubiquity of death and our failure to accept death as inevitable is illustrated beautifully in Mahabharata. At the end of their twelve years of exile the five brothers meet a Brahmin who complains that a deer has taken on its antlers his arani (wooden blocks used to start fire). The brothers search for the deer in the forest, but are unable to track down the deer. Yudhishthira, the eldest of the five brothers is thirsty and sends one of his brothers to fetch some water. First, one of his brothers Bhima goes looking for water and finds a beautiful lake with a Crane near the lake. The Crane demands that Bhima answer the questions it has before taking the water from the lake. Bhima ignores the Crane and the water in the lake turns into poison and kills Bhima. One by one each of the brothers come to the lake, disobey the Crane and meet the same fate as Bhima. Finally, Yudhishthira comes in search of his brothers. He finds all four of his brothers dead near the lake. He answers all the questions posed by the Crane. One of the questions posed by the Crane is “what is the most surprising this in this world?”. To this Yudhisthira answers “At every moment people are dying. Those who are alive are witnessing this phenomenon, and yet they do not think that one day they will also have to die. What can be more astonishing than this?” The Crane is pleased with this answer. He goes on to answer all one hundred twenty five questions posed by the Crane. The Crane reveals itself as Yama - the lord of death and restores the lives of his brothers.
Coping with Grief
In his talk “How to deal with grief and loss of a loved one” Sadhguru explains that the grief is not for the one who has died, but the ‘hole’ or ‘emptiness’ it leaves within our heart because of the loss. Filling it up with love and the pleasant memories of our association with the loved one is what he urges us to do to fill the ‘emptiness’.
Coping with grief is a process - the loss we feel reduces with time as we fill the ‘emptiness’ with other thoughts and activities. When we are faced to confront the loss of a loved one we go through a complex set of emotions going through different stages of grief:
Denial: Early stage where we deny the death or avoid it. We are battling the emotions of shock or fear.
Anger: Once we come to terms with the death of a loved one we are angry, frustrated and the question of “why me?” arises.
Depression: This is the lowest point in the emotional roller-coaster. We are depressed, helpless, and overwhelmed with emotion.
Bargaining: This is the recovery stage where we are slowly coming to terms with the loss - reaching out to others, finding some meaning in what has happened, and looking for a ’new normal’.
Acceptance: The final stage where we reconcile ourselves to the fact that life must go on, try to find a new beginning and move on with our life.
This grief cycle is referred to as the Kubler-Ross grief cycle as shown in the figure below.
Figure 1: Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle
Based on the stage of the grief cycle those who support them have to provide information, emotional support, help explore alternatives and encourage them to move on.
Figure 2: Scott-Jaffe Change Model
People deal with grief in different ways. The famous writer Amy Krouse Rosenthal, before her death gave permission to her partner to move on with his life. A week before her death, she wrote in a New York Times article “You may want to marry my husband”. Her husband Jason Rosenthal in his emotional TED talk recounts how he coped with her death.
Alyssa Monks shows how she coped with her mother’s death by immersing herself in her art; Amy Green turned her grief of a lost child into a video game to explain children the fight against cancer. Becci Manson recounts how she and a number of other professional photographers helped restore damaged photographs of loved ones after the Japanese earthquake and tsunami.
Key Takeaways
Death is inevitable
Grieving for whom? - That which is eternal
Who is Grieving? - The one who is ever changing
Grieving process
- Denial
- Anger
- Depression
- Bargaining
- Acceptance
Coping mechanisms
Exercise for the week
Think about something/someone that you had ‘lost’ in your past. How did you cope with it?
How will you cope with your next loss?
Additional Links
The journey through loss and grief, Jason Rosenthal, TED talk
How loss helped one artist find beauty in perfection, Alyssa Monks, TED Talk
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